inside a writer’s mind.

in this whole writing experiment i have conducted over the past year, i have realized a lot about myself. some of it good, which through this blog has brought praise, and some of it bad, again… through this blog… because of how harsh i can be on myself. I have also realized the different scope a writer can view this life.
it is somewhat strange to me that i should consider myself a writer in any form. in the past year i have been told countless times by many of you that i am a talented writer, which leaves me feeling slightly embarrassed, and that i need to start writing a book even. which is scary. and crazy. but maybe someday soon i will get on that. so first before anything, thank you.
your words keep my words flowing.
it is just strange to me that as a writer, i have the ability to influence other people’s minds simply by using mine. i guess when i put it like that it seems somewhat creepy. but i think you know what i mean. writing to me is just my form of art,
my contribution.
anyway, the point of this is that writing can take your mind places that you would otherwise not go. you start interpreting things in a way differently than you ever thought. you might realize you have a viewpoint different from many in your own family, which can be scary. i guess it would be fair to say that i’m not too concerned with what most of my readers think, but i would say that not being sure what my family would think of my viewpoints can lead to a little apprehension. it kind of makes you sit back and decide whether you can really own your own views.
i struggle sometimes with some of those views. i should say i struggle with vocalizing those views. that would be more accurate. i don’t care much to really offend people. i just call it like i see it.
it is funny how a person’s mindset can set someone else off. but as a writer i struggle with how to use my thoughts and my words in a constructive way.
especially living in west michigan.
i realize my thoughts and views are not as conservative as the setting here normally allows. and as a writer, i wonder if i should be stating those views so openly. i don’t like when people are controversial just for the sake of being controversial. but sometimes something needs to be said. if it is the truth.
i could say i’ve bought into the ‘be the change you want to see in the world’ mantra at times. but i just want to be a wallflower sometimes.
my personality never seems to let me.
it’s been one of my biggest battles in life. simply trying to accept that i am an out-going person. i have always considered myself an introverted person and extremely shy, but then i start to realize that probably is not the case.
not anymore.
because of my desire for introversion, i want to just fit in and never stick out. however being a writer does not really allow for that. especially a writer like me.
i could say it is a little annoying to me.
it is annoying because as a writer who likes to point out things the way i do, i know that the more i do it, the less hidden i am. the more exposed i become. the more i have to own my work. the more responsible i am for my actions. once i click ‘publish’, it’s out there and i can never truly take it back.
who wants that?
when you have the type of mindset i do, you think of things in slippery scopes. the landscape isn’t always black and white or even grey. sometimes it is very colorful. what i mean by that is, there are so many ways to view things and sometimes it seems like nothing is cut and dry.
i struggle in my mind about whether i should expose local politicians who create bills that would cut or eliminate money for the poor, because i’m not sure it is my place to judge someone like that. i wonder what good would come of it anyway, and if i write cutting edge things like that to get people thinking, is the controversy worth it?
i suppose it could be.
and there are these national politicians who draw my ire, but should i write about my feelings about them? they are after all, just feelings and opinions. does what i say really make a difference?
and what about religion? it is uncomfortable for me to talk about it much, or at least my personal views, because well… they are personal.
exposing my belief system for all to see and also judge, does not appear very appealing to me. at the same time, my beliefs are very real to me and very important and the backbone of who i am and who i want to be. as a writer, most of what you will read from me is rooted in those beliefs. it’s just that some of what i see out there, i’m a little embarrassed to claim to be a part of.
i bet you are too.
as someone who has strong opinions, it can be difficult to keep them bottled up. yet as a writer, i don’t think it is my job, or duty, to tell you what i think. the purpose should be to allow you to think in ways you may never have thought before. i may nudge you here and there. but the point isn’t for me to get you to believe what i believe, it’s simply for you to think for yourself in new and fresh ways.
i was discussing with a friend the other day about my method for writing. i was saying how i don’t want to keep writing if it is going to always be critical of things. i don’t want to be a critical person, and i don’t want my writing to be either. the problem with it is, life is not a fairy tale. i can’t write about rainbows and butterflies all the time. or ever. but the thing is, where is that healthy balance?
the issue that i have with writing is that as much as i love it, it has somewhat taken on a life of its own. like i said, i have begun to see things in ways i never thought i would, which is the desire i have for you guys who read this. writing is easy and hard at the same time. it is easy in the sense that you can sit and type away and thoughts and words come out of you that you never knew were there. it is hard because other people might read what you say.
they might take me seriously.
this is not meant to be a disclaimer for future postings, some sort of plea that you understand the process behind each thought i put on here, because i know that it doesn’t matter. the process is too intricate to fully understand. the thought i want you to have when reading anything i write is, “hmm.. never thought of it that way”. better yet, if you can say “wow, i’ve been thinking like that but i thought i was the only one!” than i would feel even more fulfilled.
if you feel that way after something i wrote, than i don’t mind being taken seriously.
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