sometimes i feel the need to disengage, to retreat from everything around me. It is somewhat of a strange happening, because everything around me is begging for me to jump in, to leap across the divide, to become what i do not want to become, which is someone who gives in to everything and everyone around me. i want to be my own man and stubbornly sometimes i think my way is better than anyone else’s. that’s the thing. it is not easy for me to be me.
maybe that sounds arrogant. but i say that with an actual almost disdain for the way my brain processes thoughts. i do not wish i was taller. i haven’t wallowed through life wishing i didn’t have such a flat nose. i like my big flat nose. i didn’t grow up with a complex about my big head. i know i got a big head, so what? i don’t wish that i could dunk basketballs like Michael Jordan or make women drool like Usher.
well, i always did “want to be like mike”, thats why i drank Gatorade like all the other kids.
but I do not need all that physical adoration that so many people crave. it has never been a goal of mine to be noticed like that. instead, i look at those people who have a propensity to remain calm under pressure, the ones who never flinch. they always seemed like they had ice-water in their veins. i always wished i could be them. you know them. the person in the corner who seems so mysterious. i always wanted to be mysterious.
the issue for me, is that accepting the life i have to live is not a form of cliched, scripted speech i recite to myself everyday. it is rooted in one simple truth. i only get to be me once. i don’t understand myself any better than you understand yourself. i am not a better man because i can write a column about a topic. maybe i am worse off because I am a writer, or call myself one at least. i always have to get my point across. i’m probably more Chris Tucker in Rush Hour “DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH??” to Clark Gable‘s “Frankly dear, I don’t give a damn” in Gone with the Wind. and i am okay with that, although sometimes it is nice to just not give a damn.
the thing is, i am not that calm, cool and collected, mysterious person in the corner. instead i’ve always worn my emotions on my sleeve. somehow i always end up front and center. i have opinions about things and i usually have a hard time keeping them to myself. i like to think that in pressure situations, i can succeed, though i usually end up with that furrowed brow look on my face. ya know, the “whatchutalkinboutwillis?” look. i try to hide those looks and its gotten better but i am who i am i suppose. it is hard for me to not stare at someone who has made a decision i don’t agree with and say: really? it’s my favorite word lately… REALLY?
the point of this post is not to have an all-access backstage pass into my life. your life is probably more exciting anyway. i guess it is just a reminder that we all have this one thing in common: we only get this life once, so we might as well accept who we are. we might as well proceed with the knowledge that the faster we accept ourselves as a unique personality, the more enjoyable that life will be. i said earlier that this is not supposed to be a cliched speech. this is real. life is chaotic enough and hard enough to keep up with without trying to become someone else in the process. being ourselves will just have to be good enough.